What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:12
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What is the most heartbreaking thing your child has told you?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I could never make a relationship work though!
(And it was in our own minds.)
What are some cute stories with your crush?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I think the readers, may guess!
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So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
Which Bibles can one read and be confident they are reading the inerrant word of God?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I don,t even have a pension.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I write beautiful poetry .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She found it foreign!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..